Guest Blogger: Naomi Stewart "The Advantage of a Wheelchair"

Faith and Peace

 

   As the last days of pregnancy are upon me, and I have been confined to resting rather than working, my mind often wanders.  Thankfully the roaming thoughts usually take place during the day light hours, but occasionally my nights are disrupted by an unquiet mind (aided in part by a shrunken bladder).  So as I wait for our daughter's arrival, I have been thinking quite a bit about the reality that in my heart, I have 2 daughters that have never been in my arms.  Naomi is here and alive and vibrant at 9 years old.  She has been present in my life for nearly a decade, and I find great joy in the unique parts that make her a girl, and make her a lovely individual.  I praise God that my crash course in parenting began with her.  But there are two other girls, that I wait anxiously for.  Faith and Peace.

   Faith is currently growing just below my heart.  She is very real in my physical world, even though I have yet to hold her or see her actual face.  Granted, she has certainly been "seen" through the world of modern ultrasound technology, but even that falls short of the hours I will spend learning the lines of her face, the color of her eyes and hair, the contour of her hands and feet, the sounds of her sleeping and crying, the smell of her new babyness (diapers included).  She is tangible and real every time she moves, or hiccups, or stretches.  I can feel the outline of her back, and shoulders, and have even played with her by pushing on one of her feet, as she kicks back in response.  I have spent more time aware of my physical body in the last nine months, as a result of her; all day sickness, heartburn, swollen ankles, changes in the way food tastes and smells, growing out of clothes and shoes.  Oh, and there are the emotions, the range of happy and laughing one minute, to deeply upset and crying the next.  The reality of my relationship with Faith is that she will only spend a fixed amount of time out of my arms.  Eventually pregnancy ends, and life outside of my body will begin for her.  The reality of a family of 7 will take hold, and hopefully my body will slowly return to a much less swollen version of me.

   Peace, shalom, salome...she is the daughter that I have never held, I have never seen face to face, and resides in my heart and on my mind almost constantly.  My surrogates have been with her, and heard her voice, seen her bright smile and watched her play and laugh.  They have held her in their arms, and now she is real in both their hearts and their physical world.  She is bright and quick, and her smile melts every one's heart.  She has lovely chocolate skin, and beautiful black curly hair.  I have scoured every picture of her.  I have studied her size in comparison to the people I know that have held her, and I dream about the day when we will meet.  I pray for her safety and health, and I pray that she knows that she is loved by a great God, and by a family that would readily open our arms to her.  I have felt emotions from hope, to fear, to joy, to grief when I think of her.  I know that God sets the lonely in families, and that if it is His will for her to be our daughter, sister, granddaughter, that only He will bring that about.  The road between where we are now, and where we hope to be, a complete family of 8, seems impassible; but God alone knows how that path will be traversed.  And in the meantime, I rely on my faith in Him to give me peace during this journey.

   I have marveled at the names God has given these other two daughters of mine.  Faith, being sure of what we hope for, certain of what we cannot see.  Peace, freedom from that which would overwhelm us, calm, harmony.  Christ promised that He left us peace, His peace, that he would set all things right, and that while we wait for his timing, his work, he would give peace in abundance.  Faith in Him is what allows us to have peace.  During this time in which I wait, wait for the birth of Faith, and wait for that unknown time when I might be able to bring home Peace, I will continue to cling to the Father of the Fatherless.  I will hold tight to His promises that he has a plan for our lives, plan to prosper us, not to harm us.  I will hold on to the His truth, even when the world around me would try to fill my life with fear.  It is my prayer that those in our life would be encouraged by this journey our family is on.  I pray that people would see beyond us, and see the great God who guides us.  I pray that through our family, God would be glorified, and that His perfect will be done. Amen.