Outside the Garden

Blood Clot.  Extensive Femoral DVT, extending past the knee into the proximal popliteal vein.  I’ve read that on reports off and on throughout the last 10 years.  Last night, in the St. Vincent’s ER I heard those words out of the mouth of the ultrasound tech as she scanned Kit’s very swollen and red left leg. And with them, another layer of the destruction that began on March 31^st fell into place.  Another layer of pain that has broken my heart since we bled and shivered on the road in the dark struck deep into my core.  For just a moment I wanted to cry out and wave my fist at Heaven, with a pleading, “Why more?  Why him?  Why Naomi? Why did this happen?  Why can we not be done and healed and free from this?”  And for that moment with “why” in my throat, choking hope and joy away, anger rose up. 

But then the question: Is my anger targeted in the right direction?  And the anger upwards evaporated almost in an instant.  And it didn’t find it’s target on a human either…although that temptation is there at times as well.  But the man who did this is not the enemy.  My target landed on a serpent in The Garden.  The ancient enemy that is still seeking to steal, kill and destroy.  As I understand it, in the beginning was peace.  Adam and Eve in perfect harmony with God.  No death, pain or dying.  Life and bodies and the earth without decay.  Perfect relationship.  No harm unto each other or between them and God.  And then the serpent began the dance of deception.  “God is keeping you from the good life.  You could have more if only you would take of this fruit.  You are missing out.”  And choices were made, and lies were believed and the fall of human kind happened, and they were sent out of the garden, into fallen bodies, fallen lives, fallen earth.  Decay, destruction, murder, evil done one human to another.  All the while the great enemy rejoicing at his victory. 

And God’s heart was broken.  His beautiful creation, mankind, made in His image, given free will, chose to walk away, to listen to and accept lies.  And since that fateful day, we are born into human bodies that decay and die and break.  Born with hearts that can deceive and harm others.  Sadly, all of us are victims to those consequences whether we live for ourselves or live for our Creator.

On March 31^st I worked helping people, striving to make lives better.  Kit and our kids learned and prayed together and then we enjoyed time filled with love and laughter together.  We lived our day with joy and sought to honor God.  The man who shattered our night spent his day drinking and serving himself.  A slave to a life bound to addiction and poor choices.  And while we don’t live that way, our lives outside the garden are sadly effected by those who choose to.  Our bodies are breakable, and our physical lives are fragile.  We are a breath away from gone at any moment. 

We can be shattered by the evil of another.  We can walk through life, and every day our bodies are dying, cancer could be waiting, or disease, or any other number of crazy accidents can claim our lives or our health.  All of this would not have been if that nasty snake hadn’t tempted those first beautiful people and ensnared their minds and hearts.  Horrible things happen to the just and the unjust.  Some as a direct wound done one to another. Some just because our bodies are also fallen, outside the garden.  And last night I understood just a little more why God’s heart was broken when the fall occurred.  He could see that my husband would lay on another ER gurney with this blood clot that could have claimed his life.  He could see that I would cry more tears in 3 months than my entire life before.  He could see that Naomi would suffer endless days of pain.  He could see that humans were going to do horrific terrors on each other.  He could see that daddies would die way to young of cancers that stole them.  He could see that drugs would steal parents from children or create living hells for them.  He could see that people would starve to death or die of AIDs outside the care or concern of privileged countries or peoples.  Children would be stolen from the very arms of their parents by diseases that ravish fallen bodies.  

He could see that there would be brokenness and pain for all outside the garden.  And He could see the only cure for all that would be through offering his Son’s very life, so that payment could be made for the wrongs, the injustice and the evil.  His Son would become the bridge between outside the garden and Heaven.  His son would become the restorer of all that the serpent broke.     

He knew that March 31^st would come for our family; that we would be broken and bloody.  That we would have a road of recovery with setbacks so deep we would want to give up hope.  And with that foresight, He gave us beautiful gifts before then and since that have spoken directly to our hearts.  Some prepared us for the trial we are in.  Some have just blessed us in it.  Like our drive home from the ER last night.  June sunsets are often beautiful in Montana.  And I have been so tired I have missed all of them this year.  Just a few days ago I prayed and thanked God for the sunsets that I would be seeing again, once stronger and less in need of rest by the end of the day.  So when we rounded the corner outside of Columbus, on my new route home, the mountains were purple, topped with snow tinted pink from the setting sun.  Rolling, lush, Kelly green fields in the foreground speckled with bales of golden hay and fat, sleek cattle set the foreground to the foot hills that then gave way to the glorious backdrop for sunset.  The wispy sliver and white clouds were rimmed with golden hues as they blocked our direct view of the sun as it set casting long shadows over the entire canvas.  Messages from faithful friends and family chimed on our phones, cheerleaders singing our song to us, as we are breathless and tired and past the end of our own strength. Each chime of the phone was like another note in the song God was singing to us.   God gave us that living piece of art as a gift to cheer our hearts as we drove home from yet another medical encounter, that began when our car violently spun off the road.  He gave us a perfect June sunset, at the end of a day marked with pain and fear and emergency. 

I believe that God’s heart is broken for our pain in this particular chapter of our story outside the garden.  He is with us through this storm, and the Great Comforter, the Holy Spirit has continued to minister to us in every step.  The gentle nudges to look at this book, or this verse or listen to a particular song.  The perfectly timed letter or message from a brother or sister or dear friend.  The doctor’s appointments that have been timed just when they were needed for each of our issues.  The bold nudge that told my medically trained mind that my husband’s body was in danger tonight.  I believe fully that He could end all of these sufferings right now.  He has not.  But he has made paths straight to help us in them.  He has held us.  He has given us treasures in the darkness.  The serpent still seeks to kill and destroy.  But he doesn’t get victory in our dark chapters.  Our suffering is not over.  But God isn’t either.  He’s already in tomorrow, preparing the path through it, the safety we will need in it. 

I am looking forward to life beyond the veil; life eternal when we are face to face with our Creator.  All will be known and understood.  Full stories will be visible.  Streams in the deserts of life will be known. But here, this side of heaven, outside the Garden, in a fallen world with a fallen body I am going to continue to trust.  God didn’t do this to us.  His heart breaks at the consequences of life lived outside the garden.  In his great and beautiful mercy He is giving us gifts, making our roads straight, leveling giants before we even face them.  He gave the ultimate gift, His Son, to restore us to Him, so that we can receive these gifts, and live victorious even in darkness.