Comlplicated

2017.  It’s complicated actually.  In years past I have come to the end of the year, and more often than not, have been filled with joy as I remember the lovely highlights of the year.  Don’t get me wrong, we have had some hard years before, loss of family members, loss of pregnancies, all of residency, our house burning down.  But we have NEVER had a year like this one; a year that has been marked with miracles and angels and rescues that defy all logic.  We were given almost 5 months of time during which being together was constant and enjoyed.  We have physically felt the hand of God upon us, delivering us from literal death, and also from emotional obliteration.  He has been near to us throughout nights that seemed like they would never end.  He has sung songs of love that have ministered directly to our hearts when they have been on the verge of completely falling apart and felt beyond repair.  God has begun the process of remaking our lives, and He has been radically altering the trajectory of our family.   We have been the recipients of the most beautiful gifts other humans can give each other: service, sacrifice and time.   We have been given new relationships with friends who have blessed us in this season. 

That is all profoundly lovely.  And yet there also exists the other parts of this year.  And that is where it gets complicated.  We have experienced more severe physical pain than we could have imagined, and then hurt more.  Our pain did not last days, but months.  We have watched each other, the humans on this earth we love the most, suffer with no ability to ease the ache.  We’ve cried through nights of longing, begging for deliverance that began to come, but not for months.  We have spent countless hours collecting bills and doctor’s notes and surgical notes for our lawyers.  We have faced fears that are so huge they feel like they will literally drown us.   We have endured the pain of seeing ourselves, all our sin and need for sanctification, and had to accept that God loves us so much He is still actively working to redeem us from all our own brokenness that was present before the wreck.  We are learning what it means to forgive a person who assaulted us carelessly and violently.  We have mistrusted the night, because dreams and memories sometimes awaken us into a momentary return into chaos.  We are healing slowly, but some wounds are not visible or measurable and still ache.  This year we have lived and suffered and survived.  And through it all God has loved and fought for us.  He has never quit, he is still working, and he is not done with us.

    

What is odd is that in this complicated space, when we long for carefree, seeing others joy often brings up a feeling of discontent; a feeling of longing for carefree that is not ours to hold.   I haven’t spent a lot of my adult life longing for another’s story.  In fact, we have often said that we are so glad our life together is the one we get to live.  And that is still true…but that truth doesn’t feel as easy this year.  I see the “year in words” pictures of my friends, and even remember the “year in words” that I used to have, and I feel longing, and sadness, over the words in my own picture this year.  Not every year, not every life is going to be filled with fun and happy descriptive words.  I am heartbroken to think that my more carefree years may have left another feeling longing in a year of their complications. Especially if I didn’t see them well in their places of complication. 

So as this complicated year closes and 2018 opens, I am praying for a year filled with God’s beautiful provision no matter where our road leads.  I am praying for authenticity, light, healing, love, family and deeper faith that comes from trials and a year marked by pain. I am praying that we will always see those around us who are not feeling carefree, but rather feel complicated or broken.  When we have sight, I pray that we will respond tenderly, as we are now more fully aware of how difficult it is when one longs for carefree in the midst of complicated.  I am praying that our “year in words” will be a little less painful next year.