Off to Providence....Again

Another year has passed since we nearly died, but didn’t; another year of never really knowing how to answer when someone inquires how we are doing.  “It’s complicated,” continues to be the most honest answer I can give.   “How is your daughter?” people ask, hope filled inflection, as I can sense they want the answer to be tidy, and resolved and a happy ending.  “She’s great.  Better than ever.  Strong and whole.  Thriving in work and school.  Living a full and happy life, enjoying all the things that sweet sixteen holds.  She’s fully healed.  Thank you so much for your prayers.  God has completely restored her.”  That’s the answer I so desperately want to be able to give, and I fully understand the hope in their asking.  I am also so thankful that people have not forgotten that just because the calendar had advanced we still have ongoing battles that began that night.  But the honest answer to how Naomi is doing is far from tidy and some days feel like a horrible dream.  “It’s complicated,” is actually one of the most honest answers I can muster that doesn’t make me want to retreat and cry for hours.  And honestly, there are days that are really quite enjoyable, never pain free, but less painful, and life has gone on; even in the middle of the pain she endures daily. 

She started working her very first job this summer, and has been excelling there.  She genuinely loves her boss, and baking for others brings her great joy.  She’s been hired to make specialty desserts by quite a few people this summer; selling them joy packaged in sweet bites of deliciousness.  She smiles a lot in the kitchen surrounded by a plume of flour and powdered sugar.  She has begun to dream about the prospect of culinary school, which is absolutely fabulous, and will require she lives very far away from me if I am going to leave this life weighing less than a thousand pounds!  One of her best nights this summer was helping to serve at a wedding.   Some days I just report on this aspect of her life when I answer about her progress.  But it’s not that simple, as most things never are. 

She has formed a book club with her brother and a few sweet friends, and this also brings her great enjoyment.  However, Jonathan has demanded at least one serial TV series be thrown in…and Naomi enjoys that as well.  She continues to devour books at a rate that boggles my mind.  And she still loves learning, which hasn’t ever been removed by the events of the last 2 years.  She easily spends at least 3 hours a day doing Bible study, and has been enjoying being a part of young ladies Bible Study in town.

She has grown in her relationship with God so significantly.  Her Bible is marked from cover to cover with verses that she loves, verses that encourage her, verses and passages that she prays back to God, verses about living well, verses about suffering.  She radiates joy in her interactions with people.  I think that most people who walk away from an encounter with her feel as though they have touched living joy….and they walk away feeling warmed because of it.  She sees broken people, and she loves them so compassionately.  She absolutely loves giving to others, and has already begun to give away money she is earning to causes that demonstrate the love of God for his creation in tangible ways  Thanks to her, a sweet little child will be going to school free of cost in Kankoole, Uganda.   She is giving love and reaching lives through sacrifice. 

She has been much more interactive in our crazy loud house, as her headaches are significantly better than they have been.  I am exceedingly grateful for every hour she is able to spend with us, enjoying time together, and living this life with each other.  She takes a medication nightly that prevents the severe headaches from effecting her activities.  And as much as we would prefer her to be medication free, we are so glad to have time to spend with her. 

Every day she works through each of her physical therapy assignments, and has begun to take daily walks on our road.  Each day she has been gaining in strength and endurance.  One of her challenges has been a rapid heart rate, which can cause her to nearly pass out when she stands up too quickly.  Walking has been increasing the tone in her heart rate conduction system, which helps to lower her resting heart rate, and that means fewer spells of nearly passing out from just getting up from a chair.  When we compare where she was physically to one year ago, it is truly remarkable to behold how far she has come.  She is so much stronger, and more aware of what exactly is causing her pain.  Her muscles are working harder to keep her body in alignment.  Her progress is definitely encouraging. 

And the other side of the answer is that constant pain is incredibly fatiguing.  Most 16 year-olds can do just about any activity without worrying about whether or not they will be able to function the next few days.  Some mornings she wakes up and feels like her entire body is revolting against her.  Stiff joints, swollen and tender knees, and spontaneous muscle spasms can derail even the sweetest of plans.  She takes more medications every day than some of my geriatric patients just to be able to maintain functional living.  Thinking about medications is often a source of deep grief…when will she be able to be free from prescriptions and over the counter daily medications?  Will she ever be free?  When will she be able to spontaneously get up and do something without weighing the cost?  And there is not an answer to those unknowns. 

And tomorrow morning we are sending her back to Providence to continue to work on getting stronger.  We are sending her away from our nest, broken still, but less so, to work on being whole.   Last year when we sent her to Providence for what we thought would be eight weeks, she ended up staying for five and half months.  This summer we are sending her out to work with her sweet specialist for four weeks….and as she is going, we feel some trepidation, but also hopeful expectation.  I, for one, am certainly praying that four weeks doesn’t multiply into longer.   

We have been praying over her as a family since January, praying boldly for her healing….for her complete healing.  We have been praying together for her to be strong and able to do all the things she really wants to.  Jonathan prays that she will be able to go to Mexico next February and build houses with them next year.  Faith prays that God will heal Naomi “tonight”, that she will wake up and be free from pain in the morning.  (Oh God, please let that be how it happens some day soon.)   Mimi simply prays for God to heal Sissy, and also to help her drive the right way and the “hard” way.  We aren’t exactly sure what that way is, but she is so sincere. 

For two years, we have prayed so many prayers.  So many words of pleading have been offered.  And God has been faithful, even when we haven’t exactly gotten the answers we have wanted, or in the time we were wanting them answered.  More often than not my own words fail.  It is as if I have already prayed out every word or request that my mind can create.  So since January, I have tried to mostly pray God’s word over her.  Praying that she will remember that while she must rest, God, the Creator of the ends of the earth never grows tired or weary.  He will give strength to her while she is weary, and increases the power of the weak.  I pray that as she hopes in the Lord, that she will renew her strength, and soar on wings like an eagle; that she will be run and not grow weary and walk and not be faint.  (Isaiah 40:28-31)  I pray that God will restore her joy, and restore all that has been taken from her these last two years.  That God will repair all her broken places, and rebuild her to full strength, as she used to be.  (Amos 9:11, Joel 2:25)  I am praying that God will, after she has suffered a little while, restore her and make her strong and steadfast.  (1 Peter 5:10)  I am praying that God will carry on to full completion the work He has begun in her healing.  That she will be fully healed, beyond what I could ever ask or imagine.  (Ephesians 3:20, Philippians 1:6)  While she waits for healing, while we wait along with her, I pray that God will help us to wait in hope, faithfully trusting that He is still working in her life, as we believe fully that He is not done with any of us.  I pray that God will carry her close to his heart (Isaiah 40:11), and sing songs of deliverance over her (Psalms 32:7). 

And while we wait for her to come back home, wait for her healing, wait for her to live free from pain, we continue to thank God that she is even alive, as I remember in pain-staking detail those moments when she was still, and quiet and mangled; those moments when I believed she was gone from me until the other side.  We thank God that we feel joy with each sweet treat she makes.  We thank God for all the smiles she has these days.  We thank God for the longer days she can enjoy, not just endure.  We thank God that even the honest answer of how she is doing, isn’t horrible…and we thank God that we have the gift of coming along side her, while God continues to do miracles in her life that extend beyond just that one night.  

“How is your daughter doing?”  “She’s getting stronger.  She is filled with joy, and serves it up in the form of amazing desserts regularly.  She has really hard days, which are thankfully anchored by much less hard ones.  She is an avid learner, and loves and gives extravagantly.  She is persevering in her rehabilitation.  She can do so much more than she could even 4 months ago.  She struggles with not being able to be carefree, but she is anchored in faith that God is fighting for her.  Physically she is not whole yet, but spiritually she is more whole than she ever was before.  She does hard things.  She doesn’t quit.  She’s one of my heroes.”

Fly well, my love.  On this eve of your departure, I’m praying that this flight isn’t nearly as turbulent as the one that carried you away a year ago.  Smile a lot.  Cry if you need to.  Call all the time.  Never stop praying.  Be filled with hope, God is not done with your story.  Fight.  Never stop fighting.  You are not alone.  God is before you and behind you, carrying you always.  You carry our hearts with you, and we continue to hold your heart here too.  Love and give extravagantly to those around you, you will only find more love will well up within you.   When in doubt, bake up something sweet to give to others.  They will thank you…as the world needs more sweetness.  Breathe in and breathe out.  Time cannot stop, and before you know it, you will be back in our arms.