A family doctor's thoughts on Covid-19
Last night I fell asleep on a sliver of my bed, as my two youngest sweet babes declared they were having a “special” night with me. They both miss their daddy so much. So do I. But once their heavy breaths signaled their sleep, I turned on my phone flashlight and read an article about Chinese Christians who have been quarantined along with all of the rest of Wuhan, China. They shared how they have served and given sacrificially in these last months, and how their neighbors and friends have begun to ask questions about Jesus. “Who is this God you serve?” These last 2 days I have been taking a break from social media as well as the news. The virus is spreading; I don’t need to read that every day. Truthfully, I have been internally wrestling with reality and my own emotional status given the work that I do. Reading about a beautiful thing that is coming from adversity gave me great joy before I fell asleep. It was joy that I needed after two of the most stressful days of my entire profession.
This morning I awoke, on the same sliver of the bed, not
super well rested, aware that my dear friends and family would like to know what
I think about what is going on. Not
because I am special. Because I am a
family medicine physician who also professes to love Jesus, and believe fully
that God gave me a scientific mind; a mind that can wrangle with scientific
data and terms…a mind that has loved medical history and pathophysiology my
whole life… I am a geek. And I believe
God created science. And I believe in
God. And I love His creation…this
beautiful, intricate, messy world He created and the people who inhabit
it. Loving God does not mean that I
abhor science, or that I believe there is adversity between belief in God and
belief in the natural world He made. Conversely,
I fully believe that God is in and through all things, and that He created a
masterpiece; that faith and science are actually inseparable. I see the Creator in details and
microscopes. I see Him in the way he
created the human mind and body.
So here is my effort to speak from that place into this
current Covid-19 chaos. I want to speak
as a child of God, a wife/mom/daughter/sister/daughter/granddaughter/neice/friend,
and as a doctor/scientist who has devoted my entire life (as guided by God) to
strive for health and the fight against disease.
Personally first:
I would give anything to protect my loved ones from
harm. I believe most healthy humans
would as well. We have sacrificed and
separated for months at a time to help our daughter heal from her injuries
these last 3 years. The science is
fairly compelling that younger people do not suffer from this illness as much as
older people do. There are, however, 20+
year olds who have been critically ill.
But for our older family members the science has been very clear…this
virus is much harder on them. “He was an
older man with Parkinson’s, so don’t worry, most people will be just fine.” My dad has Parkinson’s, and while he is still
emblazoned in my mind as the man who could water ski like a maniac and lived
the shirt with the logo “faster till the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of
death” in his younger years, he is not young.
My mom has rheumatoid arthritis, and my grandmother has asthma. They are in the high risk group for this
illness. My children will statistically
live well through this infection, and will most likely be exposed through their
mom’s profession: my older parents, in-law’s,
and grandmother may not fair as well. I
have lovingly directed them to avoid the stores, outings, large social
gatherings, and will eventually keep them even from our home. This is not hysterical. It is practical.
We are hybrid home school family…which to my strictly home school
friends and acquaintances may seem like we are really just home
school-ish. But we have most children in
our home, and a few in the public school system. Our 15 year old, strong, healthy and adorable
son will not be returning to Red Lodge High School after Spring Break. I do not want him in a tight space with other
likely healthy “carriers” bringing this home to his asthmatic siblings, his
daddy with underlying liver “vulnerability”, his grandparents, or
great-grandmother, or me. My little
girls will not be attending dance class or recitals for dance for the same
reason. Be very clear. This is not hysteria. This is sound and reasonable processing as a
mom with multiple generations with health conditions living on a compound. Eventually we will likely avoid meeting at
our church in Luther…which makes me ache to even admit, but it is true. What if one of us brought this deadly illness
to the people we love as our family?
What if they pass away, leaving our sweet fellowship and we brought the
virus to them? I am not willing to carry
that burden in this life.
Now as a scientist:
The link above describes what scientists experienced when
they visited China. They were not employed
by or censored by the Chinese government.
They do not gain from this information.
This illness is extremely serious
for some. Yes, likely most will be okay, but for those who are not it is an
extreme illness. This is NOT the
seasonal influenza. (Which by the way does
still kill people, and not just the aged.)
This virus seems to be about 5-10 times more contagious than
influenza. Simple version: it spreads from one person to others more
easily. Seasonal influenza does NOT kill
15% of 80+ year olds who get it. More
like 1% of those who do. Seasonal
influenza does not require 6 weeks of high flow oxygen due to the damage done
to the lungs for large numbers either.
In this country healthcare has been pared down to a tightly run ship,
without excess staff, rooms, supplies.
Razor thin margins are run all the time, without a new and novel virus
showing up and sickening thousands in mere weeks. We do not have enough beds for those who will
be sickened severely if we don’t slow the rate of infections.
This article gives a glimpse into what Italian healthcare is
struggling with. War time triage in the
ER. Not just the Covid patients are
being triaged, trauma patients, heart attacks, strokes, infections are also
under triage. If you are not deemed likely
to survive, are not young enough, too sick, you are offered comfort, if any can
be found; but the hospital beds are for those they hope they can save. This is not something I went into medicine to
do. Yes, in a war, wartime physicians
understand this. I have not been in a
war or the military. And neither have most
of my fellow Americans. We are used to
the access of healthcare on a whim. Even
if an American despises the healthcare system, and abhors the halls of
medicine, they will be treated with urgency and given the best of medicine when and
if their bodies fail and they present to the hospital. But not in Italy today. Let this sink into your core; in Italy
pathologists have been running ventilators…they haven’t taken care of living
bodies since medical school, instead giving their time and brain power to a
slide or tissue or corpse. (I am not hacking on pathologists, I love them and need their work in order to do my job.) We could be
facing the same issues in this country if we do not widespread test and
identify the infected and isolate those people.
Two countries have gotten ahead of this virus; China and South Korea. One strictly quarantined their towns as only
a communist country can, and one used science to test rapidly and widely,
isolating the infected no matter if they were a little sick or gravely
ill. Test. Identify. Isolate.
According to those scientists I trust (that does NOT include
China), our best hope to protect ourselves is to wash our hands regularly and
avoid large close contact gatherings of people.
As a healthcare worker in primary care I am resolved to the reality that
in all likelihood this infection will eventually hit me, because I am
exposed. We have a shortage of
protective equipment to use in the healthcare settings, and I am praying
fervently for my hospital colleagues and allied health professionals. Many of us feel as if we are literally the
band playing on the Titanic. We are not
hysterical. We are doing the job we all
committed to do. And many of the people
who take care of the sick in this country have had intense pressure this last
week…and it is only just beginning. This
virus is here, and it is not slowing down.
And without testing that starts and stays available, we are doing just
what the band did on that sinking ship…playing music to calm souls knowing the
healthcare system could go down in our country.
I could care less what your political leanings are. Politicians need to be quite, and resources
need to be made available to allow us to do the jobs we have been trained
for. (I was not trained to wide spread
triage dying people and decide who gets to be treated or die while feeling
suffocated.)
The CDC is not trying to tank American or world tourism, nor
are they interested in the collapse of the market or the gain of the
pharmaceutical industry. The CDC is
trying to control disease. They have made
very few recommendations up to this point, which grieves me greatly, but they have
made a few. If you are in the high risk
group category limit your access with the outside world. Period.
If you would like to watch the numbers of confirmed cases
this map is a great resource.
But please be aware, that the absence of confirmed cases
does NOT equal no infections. For each
confirmed case there could be a hundred who don’t require testing, or even have
symptoms they are aware of. In some
states (more than just a few) we are not testing widely at all yet.
Which just means that we haven’t documented the infection that is
already here. Be assured, it is here.
As a Daughter of the King:
My sweet fellow believers, be very clear we are either the
fragrance of Father God, or we are a stench before Him and to those around us;
there is no middle ground. In China, the
church has been rising up and loving as the direct extension of Christ. I needed to hear that, because honestly I
took a break from social media because some of my fellow believers were making
me physically ill. Snide comments about
cancelled sporting events, shaming those who have been afraid, completely
refusing to see that God has in fact created science, has not felt like the fragrance of
God to me. Even if we do not agree,
kindness, encouragement and edifying speech that builds each other up is
expected of those who have tasted and seen the goodness of God.
There is absolutely NO room for condemnation or shaming from
those of us who profess Christ. He had a
right to condemn, and as he hung on the cross, suffering for you and me, He
looked with love for those who brutally killed Him, up to Heaven and pleaded
for God to forgive them, for they didn’t understand what they were doing. If we
profess to having been forgiven for the sin that would condemn us to eternal
damnation, we have absolutely no room to condemn those around us; believers or
not. People are afraid. And educated scientists are among them. This family doctor cried in her office this
week, and even vomited once from the intense pressure. Even mathematicians can see what is
happening. And not all scientists are
atheists. God created their minds and He loves the beauty of their intelligence. He digs them and what they offer this
world. We are all going to suffer as
humans from our vulnerability to this virus in one way or another.
I have not lost my faith because I say that. I love God so dearly. I adore Him.
I trust Him. And I believe that
He desires to work for the good in my life.
And throughout history, since the fall of man and ejection from the Garden
He has allowed suffering. Suffering that
has not been just because people lacked faith or didn’t pray. Some have suffered specifically for their
faith. All of us have or will suffer
just because life on earth is not life in Heaven and disease and sin are
real. God has allowed the Plague, and
the Spanish flu that killed 60-100 MILLION people, HIV/Aids/, famines, the holocaust and
slavery of old and today, just to list a few that have been allowed by God. I believe that
God has promised that He will never leave or forsake us, and yet suffering
exists. I am not afraid that it will
come….it is here, now. I believe that
God loves my daughter more than I can begin to understand, and her last 3 years
have been a living physical hell… I don’t write about that extensively out of
respect for her dignity and because I cannot encompass it.
“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear
no evil for you are with me; your rod and staff, they comfort me.” Ps 23:4
David says that he will fear no evil, because God is with him, but do
you really think that the darkest valley or the valley of the shadow of death
is fun or free from pain?
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are
wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4:16 “He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for
you for my power is made perfect in weakness. ‘ Therefore I will boast all the
more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in
weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-13 Paul speaks about renewal and boasting in
weakness that made him strong. Do you
think for a second that the hardships, persecutions, difficulties or wasting
away was simply no big deal for him?
No. It was a big deal. The presence of God is felt the most
powerfully when we suffer. In our crushing
the beauty of what He is doing within us is released...and being crushed isn’t
easy. It hurts. I see
what is happening, and I am fully aware that no matter what comes, God will not
abandon me. If I die, I gain eternity,
and if not I will likely suffer in this life; I already have. And we do not earn freedom from suffering
because we live righteously or pray just right.
Pain and calamity rains on the just and the unjust in this world outside
the garden. This resolution to the
reality of suffering, ours and others, should lead us to an urgency to pray,
surrender and serve.
If we surrender to God, our suffering can be the very thing
that makes us the most beautiful to the world around us. We become radiant as we look to Him in the
middle of what would make us tremble without Him. God knows that we wouldn’t chose to suffer,
and He allows it anyway, and stays with us and works through it to bring about
mature sons and daughters of God. Standing around, or sleuthing around on
social media, condemning those who are afraid around us does nothing to be love
to them, and it does nothing for the growth of our own hearts. What would it look like, if we instead sought
out those who are high risk around us, and offered to be their shoppers for the
foreseeable future? If we asked the
nurses and doctors and respiratory therapists we know if they need someone to
watch their kids when they work more than they ever have before…or if they get
sick and have to be quarantined themselves.
What if those of us who home school our kids offered to help with the
schooling or care of those whose children now cannot go to public school and
they have to continue to work? What
would it look like if we bore each other burdens and loved as Jesus did? He didn’t shame weak and afraid and broken
people. He loved them and served
them. He shamed the self righteousness
in those who felt they were “faith filled and perfect” but were really just
hypocrites.
Be very clear: I am
not afraid that this virus will get worse.
I believe fully that it will, and I am not skipping around diminishing
the reality of that painful fact. And I
am not facing this without hope. On the
contrary, my heart is filled with hope. “
I remain confident of this: I will see
goodness in the Land of the Living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD” Ps 27:13-14 Those are the words God spoke directly to my
heart on that dark night when our world blew apart. He has been faithful to His word. And we have suffered, and through suffering
we have seen Him even more; we have seen goodness in the middle of the pain. He
is working for the eternal good of each of us.
He is relentless in His pursuit of our hearts.
On Thursday I felt my heart giving way, terror was replacing
fear. And I cried out to God and this is
what came to me, “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the
name of the Lord our God.” Ps. 20:7. I
do not trust in the institutions of man above God. And I believe that God created beautiful,
smart, crazy creative people to help us know more how to live well and fight
disease. But at the end of the day, God
is the healer. No virus changes that for
me. And in the mean time, I will act
wisely based on what we are now learning to be true of this virus. We are limiting exposures, washing our hands
like crazy, trying to brainstorm how to take of patients without having them
all come and see me face to face, keeping my parents and grandma home as much
as possible, and I am cleaning my house with bleach water and washing with
antibacterial soap or hand sanitizer.
I beg each of you, my sweet friends and family, to be
wise. Be kind. Serve others around you. Deal gently with the weaknesses of others, as
you have many weaknesses yourself that warrant gentleness. Above all, love well. Don’t be a stench. Shine in the darkness as you gaze on the One
who made you. Drink in the beauty of
each moment you live with those you love here.
Just a few miles from our state patients are dying in hospital wards in isolation,
alone. No visitors. Just biohazard suits and muffled voices of
strangers to look out and see. Every
breath we have is a gift, and we can be the fragrance of Christ or the stench
of death in our arrogance, obstinance, ignorance or indifference; be fragrant
with love.
If you know me well, and God places me on your mind, please
pray for me. Pray for my office staff.
Pray for my fellow colleagues.
Pray for the hospital workers. If
my name crosses your heart, please don’t stop after you whisper my name to God,
pray for those who are in the same boat as me.
Maybe you can imagine us in Holy biocontainment suit. We need one.
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