18 weeks
It's been 18 weeks since that night, and this morning, out of the blue, with no warning, I was awoken with the images and memories of my eldest daughter mangled and still in the car beside me. I felt paralyzed as my eyes tried to adjust out of my dream state, and into awake, where Naomi is no longer still in the seat next to me. But for just a few moments I couldn't make my mind obey, and I felt like I was right back in those moments. I could feel a scream rising into my throat, but it wouldn't come forth either. And just as began to feel the inability to take a deep breath, my eyes fully opened and I could see that I was in my room, looking out my window into the green fields as the early daylight was breaking.
For the rest of the day I have gone about working, lunch with a friend and dinner with our whole family beside a beautiful lake with a knot in my throat. We are healing. We are all together. We are enjoying beautiful summer activities, and yet the reality of the trauma we experienced isn't gone. So tonight I sat and wrote out those moments in the car. The memories that I awoken into today. And I wept. Thankfully Naomi doesn't have any memory of being in the car, and Faith was so stunned that she only remembers little glimpses (like bright shiny angels on her daddy's lap). I struggle with the memories I do have and the weight of caring the record book of the recordings of that night.
And somehow pain and beauty continue to move on in our lives. There is trauma, but there is joy as well. We are making new memories and enjoying our family together this summer. And most days I feel so very free. I even skipped, SKIPPED, with my physical therapist this week, as I graduated out of physical therapy! Huge milestone there! Tonight we had a picnic with some new friends at our favorite lake on the pass. The hours up on the mountain were life giving and joyful. If I never wake up again as I did today that would be excellent. But the point is I woke up and moved forward. Not ignoring the painful memories, just not letting them own my day. God has shown me that I can hard things with the strength He has provided. And I am grateful.
For the rest of the day I have gone about working, lunch with a friend and dinner with our whole family beside a beautiful lake with a knot in my throat. We are healing. We are all together. We are enjoying beautiful summer activities, and yet the reality of the trauma we experienced isn't gone. So tonight I sat and wrote out those moments in the car. The memories that I awoken into today. And I wept. Thankfully Naomi doesn't have any memory of being in the car, and Faith was so stunned that she only remembers little glimpses (like bright shiny angels on her daddy's lap). I struggle with the memories I do have and the weight of caring the record book of the recordings of that night.
And somehow pain and beauty continue to move on in our lives. There is trauma, but there is joy as well. We are making new memories and enjoying our family together this summer. And most days I feel so very free. I even skipped, SKIPPED, with my physical therapist this week, as I graduated out of physical therapy! Huge milestone there! Tonight we had a picnic with some new friends at our favorite lake on the pass. The hours up on the mountain were life giving and joyful. If I never wake up again as I did today that would be excellent. But the point is I woke up and moved forward. Not ignoring the painful memories, just not letting them own my day. God has shown me that I can hard things with the strength He has provided. And I am grateful.
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