Radiance

How do you see other people?  Do you notice their height or hair color?  The color of their skin? Their weight?  Do you look at people’s eyes first or their smiles?  Do you see only those things that your eyes can estimate or do you look deeper?  Do you see that they are made in the image of God, made by God, loved by Him?

This question of sight has been weighing heavily upon me these last months.  It began as I was continually asking Kit what had changed about him.  I have accused him of being a different person, which has been met with quizzical looks and raised eyebrow.  “Babe, I’m the same.”  But it’s not just him that I see as different.  I’ve felt like Naomi is different as well.  It’s been subtle, but real.  They are different to me.  Kit seems weathered and more wise.  Naomi seems like an older soul, with gravity that comes through suffering in her eyes.  Yes, my husband has a different hair line, and fewer wrinkles on his forehead after multiple reconstructive surgeries.  Yes, Naomi’s posture and chest cavity are different to my medically trained eyes.  But the differences I’ve been seeing go beyond those things. 

And when I am honest, I see myself as different as well.  When I look in the mirror, there are times when I am not sure that I am looking at my own reflection.  Having lost almost 100 pounds in the year and half before our accident certainly made some of that occur prior to March 31^st.  I would catch my reflection in a window as I passed by and wonder who I had just seen.  But I felt like myself, I just looked a little differently.  Now I feel like a bit of stranger, and feel like I am looking at a stranger.  And when I began to believe that this was all in my head, I returned to work, and my patients now confirm this difference.  A sweet older lady the other day said, “I know that my eyesight is poor, but I wasn’t sure it was really you, Dr.  Stewart, you seem lighter.  More bright or something.” 

I came home armed with ammunition.  “Kit, you are different.  And I must be too, because even a partially blind patient could see it today.  What is going on?”   So as my emotional alarm was going off, I began to pray and ask God to help me understand why I feel so foreign in my own skin, married to a different person.  Why my husband and children seem different to me.  And God in his merciful way began to show me gently, what has always been, but I have only now been able to see a little more clearly. 

C.S. Lewis wrote in his essay, “The Weight of Glory”, “There are no ordinary people.  You have never talked to a mere mortal.  Nations, cultures, arts, civilization—these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat.  But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.”   I believe that I have been seeing the beauty of the immortals in my life.  Created for a purpose and wholly loved by their Creator.  After believing Kit and Naomi were both dead, their life in front of me now has helped me to see the miracle of them.  And here is the beauty, I am seeing others in the light of the miracles of their lives as well, including my own.  It’s like I have been looking at a 3D picture, but not seeing the image that I’m certain is there.  But once I began to see a part of it, the rest is becoming more clear.  Paul eluded to our dim vision on this side of heaven, “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12

And then there is this beautiful verse.  “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Psalms 34:5  In Exodus 34 Moses’ face was described as so radiant after time with the LORD that those who saw him were afraid.  I don’t believe that we have become frightening, but I know that we have been sitting in the presence of God in our brokenness.  We are seeking Him as we try to find peace and healing since that dark night.  I believe that some of what I have been seeing in my loves is a bit of that radiance that can only come after sitting with our Creator.

So my loves are a bit different, I am too.  I feel radiant at times (well maybe not at this time as I haven’t even thought about starting my day).  But I believe what is mostly different is the lens by which I am seeing them.  God has blessed me with the gift of sight.  Seeing those around me as He has created them, immortals, everlasting splendors, sustained by miraculous mercy and grace every moment.  I cannot help but wonder what that sight would do for everyone.  How would we treat others if we could see them as the everlasting creatures that they are?  I, for one, am going to stop accusing my husband of being a different person, and just start thanking God that I can see him more clearly for who he really is while we still have time together on this earth.   And maybe I’ll invest in some stronger sun glasses to keep me from going blind by his radiance.